No one likes having bugs in their house. In fact, I think it's pretty safe to say that everyone hates having bugs or spiders in their house. Of course there's no house that escapes the inevitability that at some point you're going to see a spider or boxelder or one of those crazy Asian beetles crawling around your domain.
The question is, what do you do when you find one of those pesky insects. There really are only a few ways to handle them, so which option of murder do you choose:
You can do the humane thing and try to escort said creature back out into the wildlife. Which is great for all you animal lovers out there, however I firmly believe they go back and tell all their bug friends about this cool hotel, aka your house, where "you can hang out as long as you want, ordering room service and watching the cable until someone find you. But the best part is all they do is put you right outside the front door- not even calling the cops or making you pay for your room service bill, they just put you outside so all you need to do is go back in! It's kinda like a game. Come on guys, let's go check in!"
You can grab a shoe or newspaper but then you have to deal with the gross part: body disposal.
You could grab a can of Raid, but I'm not one for spraying chemicals all over my house unless absolutely necessary so let's save this option for extreme cases.
If you're immune to all things gross and disgusting, you can do what the hardcore people do: grab a Kleenex and squeeze. How you don't barf as you feel the gush of the crushed insect in your fingers is beyond me.
Throughout the years I've experimented with the above methods but me and my queasy stomach has learned to find a more efficient way. I just can't handle the body disposal so I go for the "clean" way however the more I think about my method of exterminating, I've realizing that it's the most cruel- it's premeditated.
Premeditated murder is Murder One. And I watch enough TV to know that it gets the most severe punishment.
I go for one of two options: "I'm going to send you to a watery grave" option or "the slowly choke the life out of you" option.
Option 1 is preferred if there's just one little guy hanging around that shouldn't be and I need him to vacant the premises immediately. Grab some tissue, lightly grab the little pest and run as fast as I can to the toilet, throw him in and flush. As he swirls down to his new little home Sewerville I sometimes wave him off with a little salute "sayonara sucker."
Now I realize there's a big margin of error here. If I miss at my first grab attempt all hell breaks loose. My missed attempt sends him into a panicked flurry which of course makes me scream and freak out. This point I generally break out option 2 because I'm too frazzled for a second attempt at option one.
Option 2 is full-on Camando mode. I'm ready for anything. I arm myself with the vacumm cleaner, holding the hose across my chest, waiting with baited breath for the perfect moment to strike. I turn the vacumm on and instantly I'm victorious. No boxelder is a match for my Hoover. After sucking up the first guy, I find myself holding very still the only thing moving are my eyes as I search for anymore Charlies that need to meet my little friend Hoovie.
This post may seem little more morbid than usual but let's face it, we all have to do it. And I dunno about you but the Boxelders suddenly think they own my house. I don't think so boys, you're messing with the wrong lady.