You'd better pack your bags because mi casa es NOT su casa.

Spring is here and you know what that means?

Bugs.

No one likes having bugs in their house. In fact, I think it's pretty safe to say that everyone hates having bugs or spiders in their house. Of course there's no house that escapes the inevitability that at some point you're going to see a spider or boxelder or one of those crazy Asian beetles crawling around your domain.

The question is, what do you do when you find one of those pesky insects. There really are only a few ways to handle them, so which option of murder do you choose:

You can do the humane thing and try to escort said creature back out into the wildlife. Which is great for all you animal lovers out there, however I firmly believe they go back and tell all their bug friends about this cool hotel, aka your house, where "you can hang out as long as you want, ordering room service and watching the cable until someone find you. But the best part is all they do is put you right outside the front door- not even calling the cops or making you pay for your room service bill, they just put you outside so all you need to do is go back in! It's kinda like a game. Come on guys, let's go check in!"

You can grab a shoe or newspaper but then you have to deal with the gross part: body disposal.

You could grab a can of Raid, but I'm not one for spraying chemicals all over my house unless absolutely necessary so let's save this option for extreme cases.

If you're immune to all things gross and disgusting, you can do what the hardcore people do: grab a Kleenex and squeeze. How you don't barf as you feel the gush of the crushed insect in your fingers is beyond me. And yes, I judge you if this is your method of choice. It’s just gross.

Throughout the years I've experimented with the above methods but me and my queasy stomach has learned to find a more efficient way. I just can't handle the body disposal so I go for the "clean" way however the more I think about my method of exterminating, I've realizing that it's the most cruel- it's premeditated.

Premeditated murder is Murder One. And I watch enough TV to know that it gets the most severe punishment.

I go for one of two options: "I'm going to send you to a watery grave" option or "the slowly choke the life out of you" option.

Option 1 is preferred if there's just one little guy hanging around that shouldn't be and I need him to vacant the premises immediately. Grab some tissue, lightly grab the little pest and run as fast as I can to the toilet, throw him in and flush. As he swirls down to his new little home Sewerville I sometimes wave him off with a little salute "sayonara sucker."

Now I realize there's a big margin of error here. If I miss at my first grab attempt all hell breaks loose. My missed attempt sends him into a panicked flurry which of course makes me scream and freak out. This point I generally break out option 2 because I'm too frazzled for a second attempt at option one.

Option 2 is full-on Camando mode. I'm ready for anything. I arm myself with the vacumm cleaner, holding the hose across my chest, waiting with baited breath for the perfect moment to strike. I turn the vacumm on and instantly I'm victorious. No boxelder is a match for my Hoover. After sucking up the first guy, I find myself holding very still the only thing moving are my eyes as I search for anymore Charlies that need to meet my little friend Hoovie.

This post may seem little more morbid than usual but let's face it, we all have to do it. And I dunno about you but the Boxelders suddenly think they own my house. I don't think so boys, you're messing with the wrong lady.

I've Got Georgia on My Mind

We recently went to Georgia to visit my in-laws for the week. I know a lot of people would cringe at that statement but I happen to like my in-laws so I had a great time. I mean who wouldn't like having in-laws that when you say "hmm, I'm craving pecan pie," your father-in-law cracks pecans fresh outta their shells, and your mother-in-law bakes you a pecan pie! Need I say more?!

We did a lot of driving around while we were there. They knew a lot about the area so not only did they know where to take us, they knew little fun-facts to share along the way. It was kinda like getting our own personal tour. If Jeopardy featured a Georgia category, I would rock da house.

That got me thinking about how I would show people around my own town. Considering I don't really love the little semi po-dunk town I live in, I don't spend a lot of time here. But I think I've got three highlights I can offer about Big Lake, MN.

Stop #1. Big Lake. On your right you will see a big lake.
Stop #2. Uh...... Here is my grocery store??
Stop #3. ..................and.......here's the bar we visit when we're feeling wild and crazy, which is about twice a year lately.

There's my tour. You're welcome. Man I need to get outta this town

Besides driving, the other thing we did a lot of is eating. Now, that's what I'm talkin' bout.

While down there, I tried some food I haven't ever tried before: grits, oysters, crab, clam stew.

Here's the breakdown:
Grits- served with an ice cream scoop worth of butter made them pretty delicious (think unflavored Malt-O-Meal). I attempted making them back home but that was a definite no-no. Grits are saved for Georgia consumption only.

Oysters- this was a fun experience. The cook at the Oyster Shackk came out to give me step by step instructions on how to shuck an oyster. I was quite the spectacle amongst the staff, having never eaten one before, but I shucked away. I dunno if I'll go out of my way to get them again but I'm glad I can say I did it- makes me feel like I now belong to the Elite Oyster Eating Club where I can look down on the non-oyster-eating-folk with pity in my eyes.

Crab- enter gracious MIL that doesn't eat crab but made it for me and my father-in-law anyway. It was good. But then again almost everything is good when I soak it in butter.

Clam stew- I ordered Black Bean Soup, so the Clam Stew was kind of a surprise. And considering that the entire time I ate it, I thought it was some sort of sirloin soup, it wasn't bad.

All in all, Georgia was a fun place to visit. I do have to say that one big thing I noticed is that Minnesotans sure have a different level of oral hygiene.

If you're a dentist or orthodontist, you do not want to live in southern Georgia. You will be b.r.o.k.e. Every place we went, it seemed like Toothless Tammy or One Tooth Tom was there to greet us with their version of a smile.

Being the one table in a restaurant in possession of all our teeth sure made me like a celebrity. Although it was probably just in my narcissistic head, I felt like I was a Miss America contestant, I just needed to put some Vaseline on my teeth to show them off a little more because my pearly whites were drawing me some much deserved and much imagined attention.

Next time I go, I'm going to bring a box of toothbrushes and floss to leave as a tip in addition to the money. I might even write instructions along with the toothbrush "brush the one tooth you have left two times daily."

Final boarding call?? Where was my first boarding call?

My other half is not what I would call a "calm" traveler so any chance we get, it's nice to lessen the anxiety with a few airport drinks to make travel day a little easier on both of us.

Well when it was time to fly from Minnesota to Georgia to visit the in-laws I wanted enough time to allow for relaxation (aka airport bar) time so we get to the airport early enough to "relax."

So we have several pre-flight drinks, hit up Burger King for a little pre-flight snack and then stop at the bathroom before making our way to the gate.

Milli-seconds before walking into the restroom we hear "final boarding call for Fort Myers, Florida" well since we're flying into Jacksonville, Florida I shrug my shoulders like it ain't no thang, we're going to a different part of Florida so I must have plenty of time.

As I'm walking out of the restroom, there's an airport-wide announcement "Adam and Amanda ******* this is your final boarding call. The gate is closing and the plane is leaving"

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if you know me, you know that I've gotten chubbier and chubbier over the past couple of years so to say that I hauled a$$ is an understatement as there's a whole lotta a$$ to haul now-a-days.

But I did it.

I ran my chubby little butt as fast as I could to the gate "I'm here! I'm here! I may be three sheets to the wind, but I'm here!"

Needless to say the boarding gate attendant was NOT happy with me as I run in saying "I'm here!!!! .....my husband is on his way" so she says "the plane is waiting on you. I need to know exactly where he is, they are waiting to leave."

Oh.

A plane load of people is waiting on our drunken tardiness.

Oops.

Now as a person with a conscious I'd like to say that I felt really guilty for making the whole plane wait for me/us but let's be honest here, I wasn't as guilty feeling as I should've felt. Not even when the guy sitting in seat 1A says "oh, you made it" in a lack luster voice clearly hinting that he wished we missed the plane. Too bad sucka, we made it.

Georgia, here we come!

Gameface 101

The absence of new blog postings is a result of two things: my life is boring and when something does happen, I procrastinate writing about it until I forget it entirely.

Since Christmas Eve, not too much has happened however I do need to admit to the world that my Christmas hissy fit was entirely unwarranted which means I got my way.

The Monday following Christmas I called the furniture store and explained my dilemma of missing the sale of the chair I wanted. The salesperson tells me "yeah, sorry that sale ended the 24th" so I say "but I called on the the 24th to order it" (the fact that the sale ended that day was completely unbeknownst to me, but that's besides the point) she responds by saying "yeah we were closed that day, but we had a sign on the door." Imagine hearing a piece of bubble gum snap here.

A sign?

I CALLED to place the order, so the fact that they hung a sign was completely lost on me so I nicely explained my situation again to Bubble Gum Judy, this time using my I'm-going-to-be-super-duper-sweet-as-sugar-douse-you-with-kindness-in-hopes-you-give-me-what-I-want voice. She eventually tells me to call back the following day to speak to Heidi (the original salesperson I spoke to) at 11:00 because that's generally when she gets here and you'll want to catch her before she goes to lunch.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

The next day, I put my Gameface on and picked up the phone.

What's my Gameface you ask?

My Gameface is a three level approach to getting what I want from a customer service/salesperson. And being in the customer service industry yawn I know when someone has their own Gameface on and truly, if they're nice enough and have mastered their Gameface I do want to help them more than some jerk-off with a chip on his/her shoulder, so keep that in mind peeps.

Level 1: Connect on a personal level, earn their trust. Greet the person by name as if you're best friends (please note, excessive use of the first name is just creepy so watch out. I'd say a maximum of 3 times per conversation is the limit). Ask how their holidays were. Comment on the weather or the roads or anything to relax the person as if you're just a cool dude that wants to hang instead of having an ulterior motive.

Level 2: Ease your way into what you want from them in a slow, casual way (and there's a bonus if you can squeeze in some self dafamation which makes them feel like they could be a hero if they help you). This usually sounds like "...say Heidi, we spoke about a chair I wanted to order a couple of weeks ago and I know it's been a while since we talked about it, but I saw that there was a sale and I was a complete idiot because I missed it! It sounds like it ended on Friday, which is the day I tried calling. I swear I have the worst luck! Ugh. Is there anything I can do?" <- see how helpless I sound, you WANT to help me don't you.

Level 3: Proceed to level 3 only if you've tried repeating level two with more nicey-nice in your voice. Nicey-nice goes a loooong way but when nicey-nice doesn't work pull on the professional-but-firm-you-don't-want-to-mess-with-me pants. (Please note, the PBFYDWTMWM pants are not, I repeat NOT an excuse to be rude, condescending, demoralizing, patronizing, or a jerk because we lowly customer service folks have blogs that we may hate on you to people world-wide XXXXX XXX you know who you are and I hate you. But I digress....). This PBFYDWTMWM role is simply a little stronger way of insinuating "Hey, Heidi, you told me about your grandma's rice pudding, we're totally buds now but I'd really appreciate it if you could do me a solid and sell me the chair for the sale price. Yo."

And voila.

The chair is being delivered on Thursday.

Here ends the lesson.