The indecision of a Saturday/Sunday morning

Our lives are full of decisions. I bet we make a zillion decisions each day- what do we eat, wear, say, do, think. And most days, a lot of these decisions are on auto-pilot but waking up on a Saturday/Sunday morning when you have no plans is pure pandemonium to me.

I'm going to walk you through my thoughts so hold on tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride (if you already have a headache, stop reading this immediately because this may cause your brain to literally explode. Literally.).

Typical Monday-Friday morning:
1. Alarm goes off.
2. Push snooze until the same 10-15 minute timeframe.
3. Get out of bed.
4. Head to shower.
5. Get ready.
6. Dress in one of a selective few pairs of workpants I can still fit into, along with a shirt I haven't worn yet this week.
7. Leave for work roughly the same 7-11 minutes "behind schedule" I am every single day.

Relatively thoughtless morning. Not too many decisions to be made.


Enter a Saturday or Sunday morning when you don't have any actual plans and all bets are off. Take a walk with me here folks:

1. Sleep until you wake up.

2. Lay there with your eyes still closed before looking at the time, trying to figure out if you're really ready to be awake yet. If not, simply go back to sleep now. If curiosity gets the best of you, sneak a peek at the time.

3. Keep laying there, filling your day with endless possibilities of what should/could I do today:
-I could workout (yes, I think this every single weekend and no, I never ever do).
-I could watch that Netflix movie that's been sitting on my tv for 2 weeks and is actually dusty already.
-That reminds me, I really need to dust.
-I could do laundry.
-I could clean the house.
-While cleaning the house, I could tackle that disgusting, cobweb infested corner above the front door.
-I could organize the spare bedroom turned abandoned craft room turned laundry room turned place where I put papers that probably should be filed in a file cabinet turned one-room-in-my-house-I-don't-count-when-I-say-"clean house" room.
-I could go to the grocery store.
-Oh, if I go to the grocery store then I could make a nice dinner for Adam and have it ready by the time he gets home from work.
-And if I'm already out and about I could finally return that stuff at {enter any store name here. There's a good chance I need to make a return there.}
-I could get up RIGHT NOW and do a bunch of those things and still be able to take a nap later this afternoon....

4. By this time my brain is already tired and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. So I think "ok self: just get out of bed and I'll figure out what I want to do later."

Open my eyes and think about sitting up.

But wait.

5. Insert actual decision that needs to be made here: after sitting up, do I or do I not shower? (Now call me what you will, but during the weekends if I don't have to shower, I generally opt not to. And let's be real, all the sitting on my butt watching TV, reading and napping I did the day before didn't exactly cause me to sweat so do I really need to?).

Mandy, decide already!!

Ok fine, I'll shower.

There. Decision made.

But wait.

6. Another actual decision that needs to be made: do I or do I not do my hair once I've showered. If you know me, you probably know me with straight hair with bangs pulled over to one side. The bangs are hairsprayed with the perfect amount of spray for hold, yet not crusty (it's a talent). But what you may not know is that I naturally have curly hair {and use the work "curly" very loosely. Think of any 80's glam hairband and that's my hair (see picture at right. That's me when I let my hair go au natural, but less volume. Purrrrr-ty, isn't it?)}

So I have three options post shower: straighten hair, scrunch it so it's passable as curly, or go au natural (this option limits my entire day to: only a fire will cause me to go out in public like this.

I.Don't.Know.

I can't decide what I should do with my hair. And I can't decide what I should do with my day.

And I haven't even thought about what to wear yet!!! Is today a granny pantie day (come on ladies, work with me- we all have them and secretly love them. Don't lie.)? Is today a sweatpant day? Will I be too hot in sweatpants? Should I wear a T-shirt? Long sleeve T-shirt? Sweatshirt?

I.Can't.Decide. And I'm actually feeling stressed out now.

Heeeeeehhhh. <-- that's my fire spewing

Screw it.

I'm not going to shower, or clean, or go anywhere. I'm gonna sit on my couch all day with my coffee and FoodPorn- I mean FoodNetwork.

There. Decision made!

But wait.

I'm already tired again- even though I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. I'm going back to sleep.

God forgot an upgrade when he created us (and by "us" I really mean me)

It's pretty ridiculous how often I have this thought: I wish I could breathe fire.

Now I'm not talking about those weird fire-eaters at the fair- no, I'm talking about having a little flame throwing tube in the back of your throat so when you're mad at your spouse, at the jerk driving next to you, or just about anything when you're PMSing, you can simply bare your teeth and give an open throat, guttural "heeeeehhhh" and poof flames shoot out (and yes, "heeeehhhh" is the sound it'd make- none of this hissing nonesense).

When people say they're so mad they could "spit nails" I say to them: you can keep your stupid nails, I can throw fire with my mouth so you'd better step! <---arms crossed over my chest with head cocked to one side for emphasis.

For as often as I make that noise I'm convinced that my body is preparing me and that someday flames will really come shooting out. So if you're ever driving in the left lane and see nothing but bared teeth from a silver car passing you from the right lane. That was me. Hoping that THIS time flames really will shoot out.

Seriously. Think about how different that faithful day for Eve would've been when she ate the apple:

God: "Adam, Eve don't eat the apple."

Adam turns his back.

Eve reaches up and takes a little nibble (I picture this to be similar to sneaking a taste of the cookie dough which EVERYONE does....now everyone may not end up with 1/5 less of the dough like myself, but everyone takes a nibble here and there).

Adam sees Eve: "Damn it Eve, he just told you not to! I thought you were on a diet anyway- how long did that last? Three days?!? I can't believe you did that! You really need to pay more attention. I swear you make me so- heeeeeeehhhh"

Apple tree goes up in flames.

Adam: "See! Look what you've made me done. This is all your fault!!"

Eve: "It's a good thing I did try that apple since you just burned the whole tree down. Awesome job with that by the way. And while we're on the subject, if you bring up my weight one more time- HEEEEEHHHH. Oh goodness, look I just roasted that pig that happened to be walking by. Eat your bacon and shut up."


See. How cool would that have been?

Taste of fame

So as my very first blog ever, I thought I'd write about why I decided it was time to share my life with the world. It started back in the October issue of my favorite magazine, Rachel Ray. There were some Halloween muffins that have hands sticking out of a muffin made to look like a graveyard (see picture below) Now I can understand that this is a little grotesque looking, however the public was OUTRAGED. I bet I counted 25 people writing-in to say they're canceling their subscriptions and how RR should be ashamed of herself and how sick and morbid she is, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I decided it was time to give these people a reality check about how this was truly NOT a life altering picture/dessert. Well a portion of my rant was published in the March issue, which made me feel pretty darn spiffy. So here I am. Voicing my rants for the world to hear, I hope you enjoy!



10/30/09 RR posting
Reading some of the You Love Us Not comments has prompted me to compose my very first post to any website ever. I wish there was a Go Fly A Kite department to where some of these compliants/posts can be routed to, I'd be happy to run it.
People are ridiculous! Offended by a Halloween recipe?? It's Halloween for goodness sakes- it's supposed to be icky, gross, and morbid!! Where are the comments about witches fingers and scrambled brains?? Don't make the recipe and get over it; don’t waste your time writing a complaint letter over something that trivial.
I feel like people don't realize that this magazine is not specifically made just for YOU. In response to Better Shop Around in October '09: it's not hogwash, not everyone has a strip mall with a discount store steps from their grocery store and I hope you realize that when they responded to you, they were laughing at you because I sure was.
These silly complaints have forced the editors to dummy down their magazine to prevent the complainers of the world to complain about the silliest things. Best example: September '09 page 78 where they suggest going to a Chinese Food place to get free chopsticks and had to put a disclaimer (which I found hilarious) that "offer null and void in towns without Chinese restaurants" to prevent a slew of people writing in that they don't have take-out in their town wah wah wah.
I'm ashamed to be grouped within this demographic and feel nothing but pity for the person that works at RR and has to read ridiculous complaints and give silly responses to pacify the people writing in. I'M SORRY MR/MRS EDITOR THAT READS THE COMPLIANTS!!!! I hope you read these with a mimosa in one hand in front of a conference room full of employees where the mockery never stops.