God forgot an upgrade when he created us (and by "us" I really mean me)

It's pretty ridiculous how often I have this thought: I wish I could breathe fire.

Now I'm not talking about those weird fire-eaters at the fair- no, I'm talking about having a little flame throwing tube in the back of your throat so when you're mad at your spouse, at the jerk driving next to you, or just about anything when you're PMSing, you can simply bare your teeth and give an open throat, guttural "heeeeehhhh" and poof flames shoot out (and yes, "heeeehhhh" is the sound it'd make- none of this hissing nonesense).

When people say they're so mad they could "spit nails" I say to them: you can keep your stupid nails, I can throw fire with my mouth so you'd better step! <---arms crossed over my chest with head cocked to one side for emphasis.

For as often as I make that noise I'm convinced that my body is preparing me and that someday flames will really come shooting out. So if you're ever driving in the left lane and see nothing but bared teeth from a silver car passing you from the right lane. That was me. Hoping that THIS time flames really will shoot out.

Seriously. Think about how different that faithful day for Eve would've been when she ate the apple:

God: "Adam, Eve don't eat the apple."

Adam turns his back.

Eve reaches up and takes a little nibble (I picture this to be similar to sneaking a taste of the cookie dough which EVERYONE does....now everyone may not end up with 1/5 less of the dough like myself, but everyone takes a nibble here and there).

Adam sees Eve: "Damn it Eve, he just told you not to! I thought you were on a diet anyway- how long did that last? Three days?!? I can't believe you did that! You really need to pay more attention. I swear you make me so- heeeeeeehhhh"

Apple tree goes up in flames.

Adam: "See! Look what you've made me done. This is all your fault!!"

Eve: "It's a good thing I did try that apple since you just burned the whole tree down. Awesome job with that by the way. And while we're on the subject, if you bring up my weight one more time- HEEEEEHHHH. Oh goodness, look I just roasted that pig that happened to be walking by. Eat your bacon and shut up."


See. How cool would that have been?